ASK RANDY: Government Bailouts? How Can I Get One?

That was the question a sarcastic young conservative friend of mine asked via an email recently. My name is not Abbey or Anne, but I am able to dish out advice with the best of them. So, here goes...

Well, it's actually pretty easy. First you become a huge financial firm or company on Wall Street, or you become a quasi governmental mortgage company with ties to powerful politicians that provide "oversight". Then, you hire a thirty-something CEO, who sees the potential of feathering his own nest at investors' (you) expense. Then, you ingratiate yourself with the politicians who "oversee" (both parties , but primarily Dems in the case of Fannie and Freddy) by donating to their re-election funds. Then, when the CEOs run the institution into the ground and bailout with their golden parachutes in tact and billowing in the wind, you can turn to the politicians who were supposed to be "watching" and warning the public of the danger ahead, and tell them that lots of people are going to be hurt if we are allowed to fail. The politicians take that argument to the public and say, "we're worried about the investors (you), so we feel compelled to bail them out with our money tree" (you, tax payer). And of course if the money tree (you, tax payer) dries up, Government can always print more money. So, in a nutshell, you just have to do stupid things and consort with unsavory people (sleazy CEOs and sleazy politicians) and put yourself between a rock and a hard place. It's easy!

If you have a question about anything at all, feel free to send you query to "Ask Randy" at rmundy@digis.net